Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Airport

10.) "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at twenty dollars."9.) "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board

We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends

And we are required to check your bags."8.) "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know it's origin

I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."7.) "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the security officer had to confiscate them

What? He's smoking them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!"6.) "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants

No it also does not cover airline crashes

It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package."5.) "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."4.) "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulance', a common by-product of 'air travel'

Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed."3.) "Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting."2.) "We apologize for the delay

Due to extenuating circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level, please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."1.) "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar ..

oh, S**T!"