Funny: I Was Honored To Be Selected As A Judge At A Chili Cook-Off

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato

Amusing kick.

Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor

Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway

Took me two beers to put the flames out

I hope that's the worst one

These New Mexicans are crazy.

Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork

Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 — Keep this out of the reach of children

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain

I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver

They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili

Great kick.

Judge #2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 — Call the EPA

I've located a uranium spill

My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano

Everyone knows the routine by now

Get me more beer before I ignite

Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest

I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.

Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice

Disappointing.

Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans

Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it

Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills

This 300 lb

Woman is starting to look HOT… Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili

Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick

Very impressive.

Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato

Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes

I fa...d, and four people behind me needed paramedics

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage

Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off

It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 — The best yet

Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic

Superb.

Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames

I crapped on myself when I far..d, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally

Can't feel my lips anymore

I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3

He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing

I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water

My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth

My pants are full of lava to match my shirt

At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me

I've decided to stop breathing

It's too painful

I'm not getting any oxygen anyway

If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili

Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.